Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Randomize
