I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
