I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
