I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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