I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
