Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize