I am midnight drunk by noon
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
