so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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