I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
