Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
