Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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