if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
