The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize