I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
