is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
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