So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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