he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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