And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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