So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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