All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
