i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
