Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
