I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize