Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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