I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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