Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
