From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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