I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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