The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
