I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
