Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
