that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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