How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
