guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
