Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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