You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
