You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
