I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
