Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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