I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
