He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
