I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
