I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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