his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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