she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
