if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
