So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize