At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
