Banned from zoo.
Again?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
