I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
