i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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