i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
