So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
