if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
