i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
