Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
