Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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