Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize